From Leo Tolstoy, “The Death of Ivan Illych”
This story great affected me from the very first paragraph. I am a lover of Leo Tolstoy and was anxious to read this short story. It resonated with me for a number of reasons, one of them being I know people that have lived a life (or are currently living a life) depicted in that of Ivan Illych. Unfortunately, I have known many more people that have died a tragic death, such as Ivan did. As I thought of the life and death of Ivan Illych and what it meant to me, the resounding theme was two-fold; first, that Ivan felt overwhelmingly alone, although he rarely was literally alone, and those feelings seemed to intensify as he lay dying. Second, the natural, human desire to have life matter and mean something to those around us was so sadly and pathetically illustrated in this short story. I annotated heavily around both concepts, and decided to chose the topic of loneliness, and what that means and feels like to me, to write the following:
Sovereign Sojourn
I stand alone. In a life full of people and places, I find myself alone. There is no sense of belonging, nor a desire to belong. Wandering, wading through the maze of choices, responsibilities, decisions and stewardship. A sovereign sojourn across the vast trajectory of humanity. The aloneness becomes a constant, a beacon piercing through the murky darkness of unfulfilled and indifferent companionship. Aloneness becomes preferable, even of utmost desire, rather than existing alongside what is now been realized as counterfeit.
Alone.
Unaided.
Singular.
God will not leave us alone, it is said. He will not leave us comfortless, in the darkest of hours. It is not God that leaves us, it is man. The soul – my soul – is invisible to so many, and that is where the loneliness is born. The undetectable things, the fears, hopes, dreams, desires – that is where true companionship and togetherness is formed. To delve deep, reach high, brush away the trivialness and trite is to discover the being inside – the being in its truest, unadulterated form. No one can be admitted there without expressed and entrusted permission; and the few that have received entrance have in essence received a real and tangible piece of me, a piece that belongs to only me and only them. It is ours and it is the lifeblood of reversing the plague of aloneness.
No one wants to be alone; we choose to be alone.
You choose it.
I choose it.
Together we choose to defeat it.
It is in your touch, your eyes, your smile, your words that the loneliness floats and fades away, becoming the nondescript cinders and shrapnel in the fireplace of solitary existence. It is no more, for you have entered that place that few have been, and no one has captured completely. Loneliness has been commandeered by the subtle, gentle hand that led it confidently out of the shadows. It is beautiful, yet it is new and startling. The deep chasm of isolation has begun to fill with healing and happiness. A new direction has been charted on the course that is this passage through new and unfamiliar waters. But it is a sure course, with a sure destination, and in that surety can the aloneness be buried once and for all.
4 comments:
Long has been debated between 'righteously' persevering one's miserable lot and it's severing abandonment in search for 'happiness'. They both often end in casualties. I don't think any can judge such people whose lives are so found to feel they are trapped without hope, desperate for love and emotional intimacy, but continually and repeatedly being denied the blessings they seek. Uncomforting are the promises of future happiness when the present feels as a cruel sacrifice and waste of all we thought we could have and be.
Yet God is love. He wants us to be happy and fulfilled and he wants us to feel so today. He is also said to be a God of miracles and mercy--that anything is possible unto God. So what ever is decided, make sure God is with you, guiding you and he will make your life to lie down in 'green pastures' as it were in his own time and way (just don't be blinded by substituting your time and way over his).
Well said, Robert. Couldn't agree more. God is love; it truly is as simple as that. As usual, you have a way of so eloquently saying how I feel about so many things.
I know to my core that God is love, but I think there is sometimes a divide between (1) knowing that and (2) feeling that connection with Him and finding it with others. I often think how interesting it is that His plan put us all on this earth together. He could have put us each on our own solitary stars where we were tested and developed. Instead he placed us here together. I often consider the wisdom in this, as I recognize that often other people present the most comprehensive testing and refinement, yet also the greatest support. And I remember that God did not leave us comfortless, though I am deviating in some part from the intended reference, I think other people, maybe due to a prompting, fill that role.
I admit that I often feel alone, invisible and irrelevant. I have often felt that this is because I have been single for, now, 38 years. I often feel sad that I do not have a husband or children, and I wonder if my circumstances changed would I feel known or greater connection. I do recognize that I have been blessed with many connected relationships and a loving family. Yet, even then I often feel alone. And given that, I have to consider whether “alone” is choice or circumstance. I recognize, as you point out, that we don’t routinely share our souls. And I don’t often share my soul. I am reticent to trust, and given that, I think I don’t share who I am as readily as I might. I want people to see who I am, but I don’t always do my part. God is love, but to feel it we have to remember to give it and receive it. Lots of interesting things to think about here Juliann. Love it.
Oh how happy am I to find you!!! I recently began rereading The Death of Ivan Ilyich. I first read it when I was seventeen and coming back to it eight years later I wept. I wept because I was finally understanding all that I had missed when I read it in my high school years. As a mother now, close encounters with mortality, and grabbing hold of the reigns to my life I was saddened by all that I had given up without even realizing it at the time in my youth. I do not want to be Peter at the funeral. I want to be the understanding and education of the finality of death and importance of life.
Kudos to you for posting on this. I am dying to read more of your revelations.
Post a Comment